Armstrong is my Father?
by Moonrise31
Summary: Mustang is out of the office, and his replacement is... Armstrong? Crack-ish parental!EdxArmstrong because of a prompt from the forum Fully Combustive Material for the Fanfic Author! Rated T for some language.


**A/N: So...prompt from the forum Fully Combustive Material for the Fanfic Author! I haven't really written with Armstrong before (frankly, he scares me and I want to have as little to do with him as possible), so he's probably OOC. Oh well. I'll just say this is a crackfic XD Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the art of disclaiming that has been passed down the Armstrong family for generations and generations...  
**

Ed sighed and stopped outside of Central Headquarters. "Well, here we go again, Al."

Al patted his brother's shoulder. "It's alright, Brother. I'm sure the colonel won't make fun of us too much this time."

Ed cracked his knuckles. "He better not. It's hard enough as it is looking for the Stone without having to report to him every single second!"

"Oh," Al added, "Try not to lose your temper. It must be a real pain having to get a new desk every time, not to mention re-plastering the walls, and buying new books, and mending the curtains, and replacing the carpet…"

Ed waved a hand nonchalantly as he trudged up the steps. "Don't make such a big fuss over that bastard, Al. I just like to help him redecorate a bit."

The two brothers made their way to the door of Mustang's office. "Well, here we go," Ed groaned as he twisted the doorknob.

"GREETINGS, ELRIC BROTHERS!" A voice thundered.

Ed stared at the officer occupying Mustang's desk. "Major Armstrong?"

"What a surprise," Al chuckled nervously.

"INDEED, ALPHONSE," Armstrong agreed. "THE COLONEL HAPPENS TO BE AWAY AT THE MOMENT ON AN IMPORTANT MISSION, SO I'M FILLING IN FOR HIM."

"Important mission? More like taking a day off for a date," Ed snorted. "He could've at least remembered that we were in town today."

"How nice of you to fill in for him," Al said to Armstrong.

"OF COURSE! FILLING IN FOR A HIGHER UP IS A DELICATE ART PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS AND GENERATIONS!" Armstrong boomed.

"Yeah, that's great and all, but Al and I really must be going." Ed threw his report onto the desk. "Feel free to give that to the colonel anytime you want."

Armstrong stared at Ed. Ed started to feel uncomfortable. "Uh…Major? What's wrong?"

"THE BETTER QUESTION IS, WHAT'S WRONG WITH _YOU_, EDWARD MY BOY?"

"Huh?" Ed looked confused. "Nothing's wrong with me. You're the one who's staring and sparkling like no tomorrow."

"THE ART OF SPARKLING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS AND GENERATIONS!" Armstrong boasted.

"Uh huh," Ed inched towards the door. Al had already disappeared and was no doubt waiting for him on the other side of town, as far away from the shimmering major as possible.

"NO! EDWARD, YOU MUST NOT RETREAT FROM THE SADNESS THAT WELLS UP INSIDE YOU!" The major announced dramatically and threw himself in front of the door, blocking Ed's escape.

"Sadness…?" Ed was now thoroughly confused and getting desperate. _Maybe I can escape through the window…_

"AFTER COUNTLESS DEAD ENDS OVER THE YEARS YOU MUST BE FEELING HOPELESS! OH, THE DEPRESSION, THE ANGST, THE AGONY OF IT ALL!" Armstrong raised a fist in the air. "BUT WORRY NOT, EDWARD! YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE UP!"

"I wasn't about to…" Ed was making his way slowly towards Mustang's desk now.

"AH! I GET IT NOW!" Armstrong's sparkles lit up even more because of his sudden epiphany. "YOU NEED A HUG FROM A FATHERLY FIGURE, DO YOU NOT?"

"Woah! No, no, I'm perfectly fine, major!" Ed waved his hands frantically. "Really, you don't have to!"

"OH, BUT I MUST!" Armstrong declared, bounding forward with arms outstretched. "FEAR NOT, DEAR EDWARD, FOR HUGGING AS A FATHERLY FIGURE IS A LOST AND GRACIOUS ART PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR—"

"Generations and generations," Ed interrupted. "Yeah, yeah, I know. But really, you don't have to, Armstrong. Thanks for the offer though!" With a clap, Ed made an opening in the glass of the window and hopped out of the office, landing safely on the ground. He looked up to see Armstrong's sparkling countenance in the window.

"COME BACK, EDWARD, I IMPLORE YOU!" Armstrong bellowed. "I MUST COMFORT YOU IN A PATERNAL FASHION!" He drew back a fist and mightily punched the window, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. With a heave, the major threw himself out after Edward.

"Oh, _shit_," Ed swore. He immediately turned around and sped off, desperately hoping that a train would be taking off soon and Al would already be on it.

* * *

Mustang entered his office, a small smile on his face. The mission had gone quite nicely and he'd managed to get a few ladies' numbers as well. He would call them later that night. He frowned when he felt a strong breeze blow in his face. He didn't think the window in his office was capable of opening.

"…Well." Hawkeye came up behind him. "I suppose it would be reasonable to say that Edward dropped by earlier?"

Mustang gaped at his broken window. The enormous hole in the window gaped back at him.

"I'll call Window Replacement," Falman said briskly as he walked over to the desk and picked up the phone, dialing the number he knew by heart.

"We have a department for that?" Havoc asked curiously.

"Colonel?" Fuery asked timidly as he waved a hand in front of Mustang's shocked face.

"Give him a few seconds," Breda suggested. "Then he'll come around."

And a few seconds later:

"FUUULLMEEETAAAAL!!!"

* * *

**A/N: So...yeah. Hope it was slightly satisfactory ^^` What did you think about it? How about telling me in a review? :D**


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